Alchemist Idol
by MageofAutum
Summary: With nothing better to do, the characters of FMA band together to make a singing contest with no meaning behind it and the winner isn't really idoled much. NOW UPDATED AND EDITED.
1. Round 1

_Author's Note: Hi! MOA here! Before you can enjoy (or hate, which ever one comes first,) ALCHEMIST IDOL I'd like to get a few things cleared. There are some characters in this parody you may not recognize; it is not because you are an undedicated FMA fan, but rater because these are characters a friend and I have created. Here's a small explanation for them:_

_Sacha Furelise: State Alchemist with the same rank as Mustang. His military nick name is 'the Composing Alchemist', because he is the very first alchemist to ever mix alchemy with music. Strong, modest, and honest._

_Dr. Fleur Valentine: Another state alchemist, but with much higher ranking. She is in charge of the Department of Alchemic-Medical Practice and Research for the military. One of the first to try to mix medicinal sciences with alchemy. Caring and kind, she'll be acting as a nurse in ALCHEMIST IDOL. _

_Lyh: A 'homunculus' with a mysterious background; tends to hang around with Lust, and, in affect, Gluttony. Has a scary temper and can be a bitch (and she's damn proud of it)!_

_Now- on to ROUND 1! Please, do not hesitate to inform me of any errors in the fan-fic._

_Sincerely, MOA. _

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or any of the songs used in ALCHEMIST IDOL. I do however own Dr. Fleur Valentine, Colonel Sacha Furelise, and borrow Lyh from my esteemed collegue, Musical Maiden; you can't borrow her unless you have her permission, or Sacha or Fleur with out mine. No touchy. **_

_Alchemist _

_Idol_

**Winry: Welcome, everyone, to the first ever, ALCHEMIST IDOL! I'm your host, Winry Rockbell!**

Audience: _Cheers_

Winry: _Smiles_ Allow me to introduce our judges; the musical, much hotter that Mustang, 'Composing Alchemist'-

Audience: _Out of control cheering_

Winry: SACHA FURELISE!

Audience: _CHEERS_

Sacha: _Embarrassed_

Winry: And, the toughest instructor in FMA, TEACHER!

Audience: _Cheers and whimpers with fear at the same time_

Teacher: _Crosses arms_ Hmph!

Winry: Our Fuhrer, whom we all hate, PRIDE!

Audience: _Cheers/Booes_

Winry: Back from the dead, Alicia's father, HUGHS!

Audience: _CHEERS_

Hughs: _Pulls out pictures of Alicia and shows them to the crowd_ Isn't she precious?

Audience: _Throws tomatoes at Hughs, somehow avoiding Alicia's photo_

Winry: And, last but certainly not least, the conceited, the envious, ENVY!

Audience: . . . _Cheers, hardly_

Winry: Now, give a hardy welcome to our contestants!

Audience: _Gives hardy welcome to contestants_

Winry: Now, why don't we begin ROUND 1?

Hughs: Hell yeah, let's get this party started!

Sacha: ...

Pride: Yes, let us begin.

Envy: _Gazing in the mirror_ Hm?

Teacher: _Punches table and makes a huge hole in it to show enthusiasm_

Audience: _Scared; recovers; ROARS_

**_-ROUND 1-_**

Winry: And our first contestant for the season-_gasps_- oh, no... Major Armstrong!?

Armstrong's family in audience: _ROARS FLEXES_

Armstrong: _Flexes back_

Judges: _Sweat drop_

Audience: WTF?

Armstrong: _Snatches mike from Winry_

Winry: _Too shocked to react_

Armstrong: _Still flexing_ I'd like to dedicate this song to my comrades in the military!

Audience: Uh... ok... whatever...

Armstrong: _Sings NUMA NUMA_

Everyone: WTF!?

Winry: _Pulls spare mike out of nowhere_ ... Uh, well, that was... very interesting... Let's hear what our judges have to say about your performance, shall we?

Sacha: _Coughs_ Uh, well... that was excellent singing... I'm not so sure about the song choice though... _Rates 7/10_

Audience: Oo

Teacher: ... What in the name of God... _Rates 5/10_

Audience: Oo

Pride: I loved it! _Rates 9.9/10_

Audience: **Oo**

Hues: _Sighs_ Typical Armstrong... horrible song, but he sang it perfectly... _Rates 7/10_

Envy: _Still looking in the mirror_ Hm? Oh! Uh... _Rates 9/10 without paying attention_

Audience: _Glares _

Envy: _Ignores_

Winry: Uhm... well, that's our judge's opinion, but who stays and who goes is all up to you! To vote off Armstrong (PLEASE DO) call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message BEGONE WITH THE MUSCLES.

Armstrong: _Walks off stage_

Winry: And now, please welcome our next contestant, Edward Elric!

Audience: _Cheers_

Teacher:** IF YOU SUCK NEARLY AS MUCH AS THE LAST GUY, I'LL TRANSMUTE YOU INTO A SLUG PERSONALLY!**

Ed: _Whimpers_

Audience: _Whimpers_

Winry: _Clears throat_ Well, Ed will be singing, "Welcome to my Life".

Ed: Thanks Winry. _Sings_

Audience: PHEW!

Winry: That was MUCH better- I mean - different than our last performance! Let's see what the judges think.

Sacha: Very good, Edward. You were off key occasionally, and lacked emotion when you said "you don't' know what it's like". Remember, this song is for misunderstood teenagers, and as such should have much emotion. Still, not bad for your first performance. _Rates 8/10_

Audience: _Cheers_

Teacher: _GLARES_ THAT WAS HORRIBLE! Lucky for you, it wasn't as bad as the last one, so I won't transmute you- for today, that is. _Rates 7/10_

Ed: _Wipes sweat off of forehead_ Phew...

Pride: Not bad Full Metal... _Rates 6.6/10_ But I agree with Furelise; it lacked emotion.

Audience: BOO!

Hughs: Hmm, I wonder if Alicia will like that song when she's a teenager. Oh, it'll be so cute seeing her pout when I turn down every guy she wants to date! She'll be a teenager in like 7-10 years now... she's growing up so fast! _Cries_

Audience: _Glares_ Hey, get on with your rating!

Hughs: Oh, right! Not bad, Full Metal! _Rates 8.5/10_

Envy: _Glares at Ed_

Ed: _Glares back_

Envy: _Coldy rates 2/10_

Audience: BOOOOO!

Envy: _Glares at audience_

Winry: _Glaring at Envy_ That wasn't very fair... So it's up to you, the audience, to straighten things out! To vote off Ed, call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message BYE SHRIMP.

Ed: _Walks off stage, not getting the short-guy crack _

_10 seconds later_

Someone that sounds like Ed: HEY!!!

_Security rushes backstage with animal cage and tranquilizers_

Someone that sounds like Ed: WHAT THE-

_Silence_

Winry: Well, let's move on, shall we? Our next contestant is the much loved and much taller Alphonse Elric!

Audience: _CHEERS WILDLY_

Al: _Shyly waves at audience_ Hi, everyone... I'm singing "It's my Life" by Bon Jovi... Please, enjoy!

Winry: Ain't he sweet? Well, let her rip, Al!

Audience: _MAD WITH CHEERING_ GO AL!

WE LOVE YOU AL!

BLOW THE COMPETITION AWAY!

Al: Thank you, everyone! _Sings spectacularly_

Audience: **_ROARS CHEERING_**

Winry: Yeah! That was awesome, Al! Let's see what the judges have to say!

Sacha: Well done, Alphonse. But, don't keep your head down when you sing; it muffles and muddles your singing. Remember, keep your head up high! _Rates 9/10_

Al: _Sweats as he await's Teacher's judgement_

Teacher: ... It was ok. Better than the last crap I've been hearing lately. But it's still crap! _Rates 7/10_

Pride: Good job, Full Metal's little brother. _Rates 9/10_

Hughs: Awesome Al! Keep it up! _Rates 9.4/10_

Envy: _Jealous of Al_ I rate...

Audience: _Prepares knives to throw at Envy_

Envy: _Rates 6/10_

_Security immediately takes action to control crowd_

_10 minutes later, when crowd is successfully controlled but still pissed at Envy_

Winry: _Glaring at Envy_ Thank you Al. Remember, god will send you straight to hell if you do, but if you want to burn, to vote off Al, call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message LITERAL FULL METAL. See you later, Al!

Al: _Walks off stage_

Winry: Movin' on! Our next contestant is- Roy Mustang!

Audience: _Cheers_

Women of the room: _GLARE_

Sacha: _Rubs temples_ Oh, lord...

Hughs: Roy! Have I shown you the latest Alicia album? You've gotta see it-

Audience: SHUT UP, HUGHS!

Hues: _Clears throat_ Right, after the show then, Roy!

Roy: _Glares_

Winry: Let's get this over with...

Roy: Very well! This is for all the ladies in the crowd who are either playing hard to get, or too shy to admit they love me!

Ladies: _GLARE_

Roy: _Singing_ I'M TO SEXY FOR MY-

Do I need to type more?

Fleur: _Passing vomit bags to audience_

Winry: _Gratefully takes vomit bag given by Fleur Pukes _... _Just points to judges_

The judges, thankfully, were given their vomit bags earlier, and have already gotten most of their breakfast, lunch, any snack and probably last dinner out of their systems.

Sacha: _Glares coldly at Mustang Rates 1/10_

Teacher: _Still feeling the vertigo Glares at Mustang_ Keep those things on, boy. Or, so help me, I'll give you no mercy when I slay your guts out... _Rates .1/10 only because the judges must rate above .1; Judge's Handbook to Judging Alchemist Idol, pg. 239, section 42, order 79._

Pride: _Rates 1/10_

Hughs: Tut, tut, Roy, that was very child inappropriate! In fact, that was just plain inappropriate! _Angrily rates 1/10_

Envy: I LOVE THAT SONG!!! _Rates 10/10_

Audience: _Pulls out bazookas_

_Security again is rushed to the scene  
Audience is sedated, but now very pissed_

Winry: ... You've got to be joking... THAT'S OUR FIRST TEN OUT OF TEN?! Someone's eventually gonna execute you, you know that, right, Envy?

Envy: _Gazing in the mirror_ ... Hm?

Winry: Argh! Forget it. To vote off Mustang and be forgiven for all your sins, call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message BURN THE MINI SKIRT UNIFORM PROPOSITION (and please do actually burn that proposition).

_Mustang is kicked off stage_

Winry: Our next contestant, and first homunculus of the night, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Gluttony!

Audience: _Cheers_

Gluttony: _Sings_ PEANUT BUTTER-JELLY TIME!

Audience: Oo

Lust (from the audience): Typical...

Lyh (also from the audience): I told you to feed him before we got here!

Winry: Uh... that was... peanut-buttery. And jelly-ish. But, hey, I'm not the judge!

Sacha: _Cough_ Err... Rates 6/10

Teacher: _Sigh_ That whole performance was the fault of some bastard that felt like screwing with alchemy... _Rates 4/10_

Pride: You were supposed to sing Ricky Martin! _Rates 3/10_

Hughs: Hmm, my little Alicia loves peanut-butter and jelly! _Rates 8/10 _

Envy: You'll eat my lunch later if I don't..._ Rates 10/10_

Winry: Ok! Well, that was Gluttony with "Peanut-butter-Jelly-Time". To vote him off, call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message I'M HUNGRY FOR GLUE.

Gluttony: _Walks off stage_

Winry: On to our next contestant, our hard-working, dog-loving, occasionally trigger-happy, Hawkeye!

Audience: _Cheers_

Mustang: Oh, I've got to see this...

Black Hayate: Woof! (Rock on!)

Winry: Give it your all, Hawkeye!  
Hawkeye: Thank you, Winry. I'd like to dedicate this number to the person who the person who I feel has supported and inspired me throughout our relationship.

Mustang: Yep, that would me.

Hawkeye: I'd like to thank my dog, Black Hayate.

Mustang: _Crest fallen_

Women: HA!

Hawk-Eye: _Sings Every time we Touch _

Winry: Awesome, Hawk-Eye! We didn't quite expect such a feminine song from you though. What do the judges say?

Sacha: Very good. _Rates 8.8/10_

Teacher: Meh... too feminine for my taste... good singing though..._ Rates 9/10_

Pride: Good, Lieutenant Hawkeye. _Rates 9/10_

Hughs: Are you sure that wasn't for Roy?

Hawk-Eye:_ Pulls out gun and shoots Hughs_

Hughs: _Narrowly dodges_ O-of course it wasn't! How silly of me to even think that! _Rates 10/10_

Hawkeye: _Blows smoke from gun_

Envy: Hmm..._ Rates 8/10_

Audience: _Cheering contentedly_

Winry: Wow, those were some pretty good ratings! But, again, it's all up to our viewers and audience! This is totally your call, folks! To vote off Hawk-Eye, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message SHE'S GONNA SHOOT ME.

Hawkeye: _Walks off stage_

Winry: On to our next contestant- all State Alchemist in the room are recommended to cover your butts- Scar!

Audience:_ Cheers_

Ishballans watching at home: HELL YES!

_Ishballans at home heard at studio_

Winry: Looks like you've got a big cheer squad at home, eh, Scar?

Scar: ...

Winry: _Fumes; calms down_ I see! A contestant that lets his singing do the talking, huh? Well then, let's not keep the audience waiting!

Scar: I will be singing one of my favorite songs. It's called "Getting away with Murder", by Papa Roach.

_All the alchemist in the room hide_

Audience: Uh, ok then... _cheers_

Scar: _Sings MURDEROUSLY_

Audience: _Is totally blown away_

Winry: _Also blown away_ Uh, well, I've gotta say, that was a _killer_ performance! Let's hear what the judges have to say about their evacuation plans- I mean, your performance! _Sweats_

Sacha: ... _Rates 8/10_

Teacher: I LOVED it! _Rates 10/10_

Pride: ... _Thinking: Dammit! What does he know about the military? Was he trying to make some political point with it? _Uh, wondrous performance... not like anyone in the military's gotten away with murder though! _Rates 7/10_

Audience: Idiot.

Al: _Slaps metallic forehead_

Ed: _Anime sweat drop_

Lust: Oh my god...

Lyh: Retard...

Hughs: Ed's already recovered from the tranquilizers...?

Winry: ... Uh, moving on with the judging...

Hughs: Very good for a convict! I hope Alicia never gets into that kind of music, though... _Rates 8.5/10_

Envy: _Hurriedly stuffs mirror away_ Uh... _Rates 8/10_

Winry: Well, there you have it folks! That was Scar with "Getting away with Murder"! To vote Scar off-

Scar: _Glares at audience_ The great Ishballa will never forgive you if you do...

Winry: -Call us at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message HE'S TRYING TO BLOW UP MY BRAIN.

Scar: _Walks off stage_

Winry: _Puts on huge smiley smile_ And now, for our final performance for the night, done by my very own, Grandma Rockbell!

Audience: _CHEERS_ GO GRANNY! GO GRANNY! GO GRANNY!

Grandma Rockbell: _Takes pipe out of mouth_ _Waves to crowd_

Winry: And, she's gonna sing HANABI, from the Bleach OST!

Audience:_ Cheers_G.R.: _Sings _

Audience: _CHEERS_

Winry: Awesome, Granny!

G.R.: Thank you.

Winry: Now, let's go to our judges and see what they thought!

Sacha: Quite frankly, it was an outstanding performance. You were on key throughout the song and put harmony it. _Rates 10/10_

Audience: Woo-hoo!

Teacher: Go, women above 40! _Rates 10/10_

Audience: Yeah!

Pride: _Thinking: She's a ROCKBELL?! She's related to those bloody doctors... but, to improve my already shining image- Rates 10/10_

Winry: All right, Granny! That's three perfect scores in a row!

G.R.: _Smiles_

Hughs: Great job, Granny. _Rates 10/10_

Audience: _Goes wild Realizes Envy's next Prepares knives_

Envy: _Just to be a jerk, rates 5/10_

Audience: _Throws knives_

_Security is too late_

Envy: _Transforms into Lust_ Oh, save me Gluttony!

Gluttony: MY LUST! _Eats knives_

Envy: _Sticks out tongue at audience_

Audience: _Fuming_ We'll get you yet...

Winry: _Glaring at Envy_ You're just envious of my Granny, you jerk. That was awesome, Granny! But, did the audience like it? To vote off Granny, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message YOU LOOK YOUNG.

Granny: _Walks off stage_

Winry: Well, that's all for today, folks! Remember to tune in next time, to find out which two contestants you voted off, and to see our Duet's Special! See you then!

Sacha: ...

Teacher: Next time I won't be that sick to transmute Ed...

Pride: _Smiling_

Hughs: _Showing pictures of Alicia_

Envy: _Looking in mirror_


	2. Round 2

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or any of the songs used in ALCHEMIST IDOL. I do however own Dr. Fleur Valentine, Colonel Sacha Furelise, and borrow Lyh from my esteemed collegue, Musical Maiden; you can't borrow her unless you have her permission, or Sacha or Fleur with out mine. No touchy. **_

**_-ROUND 2-_**

Audience: _Roars_

Winry: Appears on stage Hello again, everyone and welcome back to ALCHEMIST IDOL! I'm your host, Winry Rockbell!

Audience: Whoot, whoot, whoot, whoot!

Winry: Let's give a warm welcome to our judges-

Audience: Whoot!

Winry: -SACHA FURELISE-

Audience: WHOOT, WHOOT, WHOOT!

Sacha: _Waves, embarrassed_

Winry: -TEACHER-

Audience: _Whimpers_

Teacher: _Glare_

Audience: _Out of fear_ WHOOOOOOT!

Teacher: _Grin_

Winry: -PRIDE-

Audience: _Crickets chirp_

Lust and Lyh: Boo!

Greed: I wanted to be paid to be a judge! _Pouts_

Sloth: ...

Pride: Stupid Greed... who let him in here?

Winry: -HUGHS-

Audience: Whoot, whoot, whoot!

Hughs: _Flashes pics of Alicia to crowd_

Winry: -And last, but certainly not most loved, ENVY!

Audience: _Flat out_ BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Envy: I hear cries of jealousy of my hot, young looks!

Lust: Ugh... he's so full of himself...

Lyh: And bull...

Envy: _Pouting_ Haters! Gazes deeply into mirror

Winry: Today is our DUET'S SPECIAL, but first, why don't we figure out who you guys voted off?

Audience: _Gets all tense and anxious_

Winry: _Is given an envelope with the rejected names_ ... _Takes her sweet time opening it ..._

ANYTIME NOW!!!

Winry: Say sayonara to- GLUTTONY!

Gluttony: _Eating a burrito_ Hm?

Audience: Kinda saw that coming...

Winry: Sorry, Gluttony. But you've been voted out.

Pride: I told you you should have sung Ricky Martin! Pouts

Winry: Ricky Martin? Isn't he gay?

Pride: No! He's just very intimate with a few selected male subordinates...

Winry: oO

Audience: **Oo**

Winry: MOVING ON- the other contestant that you guys voted off is-

Women in studio: Mustang, oh PLEASE be Mustang...

Winry: ARMSTRONG!

Women: That works too... but Mustang's going down...

Armstrongs in studio: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! _Weeps and flexes at the same time_

Armstrong: Be strong, fellow Armstrongs! _Flex, flex _At least the world has now gotten a taste of the Armstrong family's talent for music! _Flex, flex_

Armstrongs in studio: _Sniffs_ Sucks it up _FLEXES FURIOUSLY_

Everyone: WTF?!

Winry: _Kicks Armstrong mid-flex off stage_ Whew... Now, let's get on with the Duet's special with our remaining contestants, shall we?

Audience: Approves idea with CHEERS

Sacha: After that little scenario, I'm a little scared to move on...

Teacher: Dammit, how'd Mustang survive to this round...?

Pride: _Hugging picture of Ricky Martin_

Hughs: _Hugging picture of Alicia_

Envy: _Hugging picture of himself_

Winry: ... _Sarcastic_ Looks like out judges are ready... So, let's get ROUND 2 on the move with our first 'randomly' selected duet, Ed and Al Elric!

Audience: _Goes out of control_ HELL YEAH!

Teacher: YOU BETTER NOT SUCK!

Ed and Al: _Whimper_

Al: I'm scared, Brother...

Ed: We'll just have to bear with it... remember, we can't let her see our fear; your face's made out of expressionless metal, so I'll spend most of my time behind you!

Al:_Tear_ Brother! That's not how older brothers act! It's not my fault I'm made out of metal! Why couldn't you transmute me into a kitten or little puppy?

Ed: ... Honestly, I didn't wanna clean up after you. Plus, you're more intimidating this way.

Al:_SNIFFLE_

Teacher: Too bad, Ed, I can SMELL the fear! _Evil aura emits off of her_

Ed and Al: _Reunited with fear_

Winry: Ha, ha... well, Ed and Al will be singing "Brothers", from the FMA OST!

Audience: Awww!

Ed and Al: _Sing beautifully_

Audience: _Weeping_ AWWW!

Winry: _Sniff_ What a beautiful display of brotherly love! Let's see what out judges say!

Sacha: Excellent. Simply excellent. _Rates 10/10_

Audience: _Cheers_

Teacher: _Blows nose_ ... _Sniff_... That didn't suck too bad... Rates 9/10

Audience: _Cheers_

Ed and Al: _Creeped out to see Teacher so emotional but relieved at the same time _

Pride: Very good Full Metal and brother. _Rates 10/10_

Hughs: _Crying freely_ That was BEAUTIFUL! Now I want a son just so that Alicia can sing that song! _Turns to wife_ Honey, let's get a son!

Audience: WTF?!

Mrs. Hughs: Alicia, sweety, why don't you go to the restroom for a minute?

Alicia: Ok. _Goes off to the restroom_

Mrs. Hughs: NO F---ING WAY! NOT UNLESS YOU'RE THE ONE THAT"S IN THE DELIVERY ROOM FEELING THE PAIN! _Pulls rifle out of nowhere and shoots at her husband_

Hughs: _Sweating_ You're right, dear! Whatever you say!

Mrs. Hughs: _Smiles sweetly_ Now, get on with your rating, dear.

Hughs: _Laughing nervously_ _Rates 10/10_

Envy: _Glaring at Ed_

Ed: _Glaring at Envy_

Audience: _Pissed at Security for confiscating weapons at entrance Prepares to throw rotten fruit and vegetables instead_

_Janitors get ready_

Envy: ... _Rates .2/10_

Audience: _OUTRAGED_ _Furiously throws rotten fruits and vegetables at Envy_

Envy: _Transforms into Ricky Martin Puts fake Spanish accent on_ Oh, por favor, some muy loco fan, save me!

Pride: I'LL SAVE YOU, RICKY MARTIN! _Assigns soldiers to block the rotten fruits and veggies _

_Soldiers bust in and act as sheild for Envy_

_Soldiers get covered head to toe in rotten fruit and veggies _

Envy: _Transforms back Sticks tongue out to audience_ I win again, ugly losers. _Continues gazing in the mirror_

Audience: _PISSED; STEAMING_

Winry: _Glares at Envy_ Ass...

Envy: That's SEXY ass to unattractive bitches like you, slut.

Winry: _PISSED_ WHY YOU- _Jumps to Envy to gouge his eyes out_

_Security is once again rushed to scene_

Fleur: _Puts Winry on methane to sedate her_

Winry: _Drops to the floor like a cold tomato_

Fleur: _Takes mike_ I'm afraid Winry Rockbell is currently under heavy medication and unable to host.

Audience: More like drugs...

Fleur: From this point, a replacement has been arranged to take over in the event of such a situation. Please welcome your temporary host, Dante.

_**SHOCKING TWIST**_

Audience: WTF TO THE MAX!

Sacha: I have a very bad feeling about this...

Teacher: Slut... thinks she's sexy just because she's like a hundred and looks twenty and had a boyfriend or two... AT LEAST I FOUND A MAN WHOSE COMMITTED!

Pride: _Grins_ _Thinking: I see our plan to turn Alchemist Idol into Homunculus Idol is working ..._

Hughs: Dammit, I die and Roy just lets these homunculi run wild!? Can't he take care of anything without me?!

Envy: _Glued to mirror_

Dante: _Evil grin_ Hello ladies and gentlemen. I am your new- I mean, **_temporary_** host for Homunculus- I mean,**_ Alchemist_** Idol.

Audience: ...

Dante: Now, where were we? Ah, yes... In ROUND 2 the Duet's Special, duets are voted off as individuals; in other words, separately. If you would like to vote off Alphonse, please call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message I'LL ADOPT THAT PUPPY. If you would like to vote off Edward, please call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message WOULD YOU LIKE THE BOOSTER CHAIR? .

_Ed and Al walk off stage_

_Ed misses the short crack again_

Fleur: _Follows back stage with a needle_

Ed: HEY-

_Sound of injection_

Voice that sounds like Ed, only more terrified: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

_SILENCE_

Fleur: _Returns_

_Needle is bloody _

Fleur: _Takes her seat_ _Smiles_ Oh, please, proceed.

Audience: Do we wanna know...?

Sacha: That's exactly what keeps men away from her...

Dante: AHEM! Our next 'randomly' selected duet is Hawkeye and Mustang.

Audience: _Sarcastic_ Surprise, surprise...

Dante: They will be singing Rise, from the Ghost in the Shell OST in a female and male vocal version.

Hawkeye: I have my gun out with me... and it's fully loaded.

Mustang: _Sweats_ I-I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

Hawkeye and Mustang: _Sing_

Audience: _CHEERS_

Dante: That was a wonderful performance. That alone should qualify as judging, and will probably happen in Homunculus Idol, but, alas, for now we must turn to the judges.

Sacha: Thanks... I think. Nice performance. You've managed to redeem yourself somewhat, Roy... Excellent song selection. Perfect for soldiers. But still, Hawkeye was occasionally off key and Roy didn't make eye contact with the audience.

Mustang: Oh, sorry, I was looking at-

Sacha: I don't want to know. _Rates 8.4/10_

Teacher: ... You were right in your decision to not make me puke this time, military dog... _Rates 7.6/10_

Pride: Very inspirational performance. _Rates 9/10_

Hughs: I say Roy's holding you down, Hawkeye; no offense Roy.

Mustang: _Irritated_ If you were still alive in the series, I'd see to it you get fired...

Hughs: But, still, it was pretty good. _Rates 9/10_

Envy: _Still looking in the mirror_

Lust: Should we tell him it's his turn to rate...?

Lyh: Normally, I'd let him make an ass of himself on public television, but, we'll never get on to the next song if he won't get his damn rating over with... plus, it's starting to tick me off, the way he's looking in the mirror like that...

Lust: It's pretty hard to snap him out of it when he's been staring this long. What do we do?

Lyh: Leave it to me. _Walks down to stage, pushing security aside_

Envy: _Gazing in mirror_

Lyh: _Snatches mirror_

Envy: _Blinks_ HEY! GIVE IT BACK!

Lyh: Oh, I'll give back. Broken that is.

Envy: No! Please! That's the only mirror that perfectly reflects my divine beauty!

Lyh: I'll give it back on two conditions.

Envy: Anything!

Lyh: One, get your rating over with, dumb ass.

Envy: _Hurriedly rates 8/10_ Now, give it back!

Lyh: Oh, no. Not yet.

Envy: What!?

Lyh: I said two conditions, dumb ass. And the second is to repeat after me until I tell you to stop. Simple enough for you?

Envy: _Nods_ Anything, just give me my mirror back!

Lyh: Repeat: I, Envy of the homunculus,

Envy: I, Envy of the homunculus,

Lyh: Am,

Envy: Am,

Lyh: Totally and completely,

Envy: Totally and completely,

Lyh: Unsexy and ugly.

Envy: _Face becomes very pale_

Lyh: _Makes intimidating motions to break mirror_

Envy: Un-un-un-sexy...

Lyh: And?

Envy: U-ug...ly...

Lyh: Good doggy! _Gives mirror back and returns to seat_

Audience: _APPLAUDS AND CHEERS_

Dante: Dammit, Lyh and Envy might ruin out whole plan- I mean, show. Any way, if you would like to vote off Hawkeye, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message OH, CRAP, THE GUN'S LOADED. If you would like Mustang to be eliminated, please call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message DROWN THE PERVERT.

Hawkeye: _As she and Mustang walk off stage_ Colonel, what were you staring at while we were singing?

Mustang: Oh, well, you see, many women in the audience had mini skirts and I was trying to-

_A loud SMACK is heard from back stage_

Dante: Moving on to our final performance of Alchemist Idol- I mean, of the night, with our only actual randomly selected duet, Granny Rockbell and Scar.

Audience: ...?

Sacha: Well, this should be... interesting...

Teacher: Rock on, women over forty!

Pride: _Thinking: There he is again! With that Rockbell!_

Hughs: _Going through Volume One of Alicia's baby pictures_ She's so precious!

Envy: _To mirror_ Oh, no one will ever separate us again, dear mirror...

Dante: They will be singing- what will you guys be singing any way?

Audience's imagination: _Old-lady+Heavy Metal Freak ???_

G.R.: We will be singing a song that we came to upon much strife.

Scar: Yes, it was hard to find one we both agreed too.

G.R.: But, I really think we found a common ground with this one.

Audience: So...?

Scar: We will be singing "Bring me to Life".

Audience: Uh, ok... it could have been worse... could have been a Disney song or something...

G.R. and Scar: _Sing_

Audience: _CHEERS_

Dante: Well done. Let us see what judgment shall befall upon this performance, shall we?

Sacha: Once again, excellent job, G.R. You too, Scar... much less violent... _Rates 10/10_

Teacher: Nice song selection... _Rates 9/10_

Pride: _Lying through his teeth_ Well, everyone knows how much the military LOVES the Rockbells and Scar... _Falsely rates 10/10_

Audience: _Sweat drop_

Hughs: Ah, that was much more kid-friendly, though kinda unexpected from G.R. Still, nice job. It makes me wish some one would bring at least TRY to bring me back to life! _Looking at Roy_

Mustang: What, and risk losing my face? No way.

Hughs: _Tear and sweat drop Rates 10/10_

Envy: _Thinks_ Well... it was OK, I guess... _Rates 8/10_

Audience: Grr...

Dante: Well, that was what the judges thought, but the final decision is up to the viewers (another thing that's gonna go on Homunculus Idol). To vote off Scar, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message AWESOME TATTOO. To vote off G.R., also call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message LADY WITH THE KO GRANDDAUGHTER.

_Scar and G.R. walk off stage _

Dante: Well, that concludes ROUND 2. Tune in again for ROUND 3, where our singers will be taking requests from the audience. Remember to vote off the pathetic losers whom you deem unworthy of ever singing again. By that time, the homunculi shall achieve their goals...

Audience: ...

Fleur: I think Winry will be well again by then... if Dante doesn't take over first...

Sacha: And Ed...?

Fleur: I can't promise anything...

Teacher: Don't worry about it Doc; he's so pathetic, I doubt he'll even make it too the next round...

Pride: _Thinking_ I wonder if you can vote Ricky Martin on the show...

Hughs: _Sniffle_ I want a son...

Envy: _Gazing deeply into mirror_

... Any requests?


	3. Round 3

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or any of the songs used in ALCHEMIST IDOL. I do however own Dr. Fleur Valentine, Colonel Sacha Furelise, and borrow Lyh from my esteemed collegue, Musical Maiden; you can't borrow her unless you have her permission, or Sacha or Fleur with out mine. No touchy. **_

-_ROUND 3_-

**Ok, apparently, Winry is still K.O. from the methane Fleur put her on earlier... (or could it be an evil plot of the homunculi to take over Alchemist Idol?)... So, yeah, Dante's still the host... Ishballa help us all...**

Dante: Welcome back to HOM- **_ALCHEMIST_** IDOL. I am your dictator- I mean, kindly host, Dante.

Audience: _Crikets chirp in background ..._

Dante: ... _More cricket chirps_...

Hughs: _Snatches mike _Well, looks like we'll have to introduce ourselves today! I'm Hughs!

Audience: _Brought back to life; cheers_

Hughs: _Hands mike over to Sacha_

Sacha: Uh...

Audience: _CHEERS_

_Mike is handed over to Teacher_

Teacher: _Snarls_

Hughs: _Takes mike; Anime sweatdrop; mike is handed to Pride_

Pride: Hi, mom!

Audience: oO

Hughs: _Hands mike to himself_ Yo! Just for you folks whom are dying to know, Alicia's birthday's just six months away! Get ready! _Hands it over to Envy_

Envy: Hello, my revoltingly ugly admirers. _Pulls the Mirror out_

Audience: _Fuming_ BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dante: _Snatches mike_ Today, as some your pathetic minds may have succeeded in registering, is our REQUESTS SPECIAL. But, before we proceed with listening to your pathetic song choice sung by our idiotic contestants, we must first discover which ones were weak enough to be voted off.

Audience: _Anticipating_

Dante: ... _Is handed envelope with names; opens_

Everyone: _Nervous_

Women of the Audience: PLEASE BE MUSTANG!

MEN of the Audience: PLEASE BE MUSTANG!

Dante: Our first mollycoddle to be ruthlessly eliminated from the competition is- Scar.

Scar: ...

Audience: What the hell is a mollycoddle?

Ishballans at home: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Isballans roars of anguish are heard at studio_

Dante: ... That was... a bit strange... wait... YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO TAKE OVER ALCHEMIST IDOL TOO, ARE YOU!?

Audience: o.o'

Scar: And if we were?

Everyone: WTF?

Scar: ...That's right. From the very beginning, I've been trying to kick those sinners- the state alchemist- out of here, and redub ALCHEMIST IDOL into ISHBALLAN IDOL. We have better ethics and song choice.

Audience: ...

Random State Alchemist from Audience: You Ishballans may have more ethical ethics, but our song choice kicks your song choice's ass!

Pride: Ooo, that was a burn.

Scar: _Rolls eyes_ That's the exact immature stupidity I've learned to expect from a state alchemist. And by the way, just for the records, your song choice doesn't **_kick_** ass, it **_sucks_** ass.

Audience: BURN, BABY, BURN!

Random State Alchemist from Audience: What was that?!

Scar: Hard of hearing? Exactly what I'd expect from a man that has been deaf to God's voice for so many years.

Random State Alchemist: _Fuming_

Dante: _Fuming_ How dare you try to take over my show?!

Scar: Exactly what I'd expect to hear from one of _their_ creations. Any purity this show ever had is gone. It's not worth cleansing anymore. _Walks off stage_ I'm off to kill some more state alchemist. And as for you, _Looks at Random State Alchemist from Audience_ remember this: _I'm getting away with MURDER._

Random State Alchemist from Audience: _Pisses in pants like a 2-year-old that's just discovered what_ _SuperMan wears under the underwear he wears on top of the tights_

Dante: Yeah, you better get out! Trying to run my- I mean, our show.

Everyone: _Sweat drop_

Dante: ... Anyway, our next loser is-

Audience: _Anxious_

Women of the Audience: MUSTANG, OH PLEASE, BE MUSTANG!

Dante: ... Heh. Our other sad, pathetic loser is- Edward Elric.

Ed: No!

Al: No! Not brother!

Women of the Audience: WHY NOT MUSTANG?!

Teacher: I knew you'd whimp out like this, Edward. I PREDICTED IT THE LAST ROUND! MWHAHAHA!

Hughs: _Checks play back from the last round to see if she really predicted it; finds she did_ Whoa, you're good! Can you ever tell me if I get a son?

Envy: You die dumbass; of course you don't get a son! _Whips out comb and starts to comb hair_

Hughs: _Sob_

Sacha: ... How did Edward even recover from the drug Fleur gave his in the last round...?

Fleur: ... Such outstanding resiliencey...

Sacha: ... And how is it Winry still hasn't...?

Fleur: ... It's a paradox... I gave her a milder sereum too...

Pride: _Clears throat_ INDEED IT'S CONFUSING, COLONEL FURELISE AND DR. VALENTINE; I MEAN, WE ALL KNOW THE HOMUNCULI AREN'T TRYING TO TAKE OVER ALCHEMIST IDOL OR ANYTHING, AND SINCE THAT'S NOT A POSSIBILITY, OUR DEAR ROCKBELL-HOST CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HELD CAPTIVE RIGHT NOW BY THE HOMUNCULUS IN MY OFFICE. _Winks at Dante_

Dante: THAT'S RIGHT, PRIDE! _Winks back_

Everyone: _Anime drop_

Lyh: That dumbass!

Lust: That stupid slut!

Lyh: ... Ok, that was just plain hypocritical...

Mustang: Bite, that, SHRIMP! I'm still in the game!

Fleur!

Sacha: Here we go again...

Ed: WHY YOU BASTARD-! _Gets cut off_

Fleur: _Picks Ed up and takes him off the stage_ I'm sorry you had to see that Al. But, I simply can't let your brother kill the man that so many women prior to him have already claimed murder on.

Al: _Sweat drop_ I-I understand, Docter! It's fine! Just make sure you give me the visiting hours.

Fleur: _Smiles_ No problem! Best of luck! _Walks off stage with the unconcious drooling Edward_

_Silence spreads through the studio like peanut butter on bread_

Dante: PEANUT BUTTER ON BREAD?! IS THAT HONESTLY THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!

MOA: Better than your lying ability!

Dante: What?! I haven't lied once throught out the whole season! _Sweats_

Hughs: Now, now, no need to get in a fight with the author...

Audience: **GET ON WITH IT!!!**

Dante: _Shocked; recovers_ Indeed, let's get on with it, now that the weak have been weeded out. As I said earlier, today is our REQUESTS SPECIAL. A member from the audience will be randomly selected by a randomly selected judge, randomly selected by me. And I choose- _pulls out name from a baggy_ -Furelise.

Sacha: ...

Dante: And our first contestant is- Colonel Roy Mustang.

Women: _INSERT EVIL GRIN_

Mustang: _Whimper_

Sacha: I choose... _looks at vast I-hate-Mustang crowd_ ... you. The one with the funky dyed pink/violet hair and plain white dress.

Rose: Yay!

Women: Make him cry, Rose.

Rose: _Ponders_ Hm... aha! I know the perfect song for you to sing!

Mustang: ...

Rose: Sing the Barbie Girl Song!

Women: **HELL YES!**

Mustang: _Colors begin to drain from face_

Dante: Ahem- I believe this would be a good time to bring it up. Any contestant that does not comply with the audience's requests, will be automatically disqualified.

Mustang: Is now very pale

Hughs: Someone's got your number, Roy! _Wink, wink, nudge, nudge_

Mustang: Snaps fingers and puts Hughs' wooden chair on fire

Hughs: MY BUTT!

Alicia: Mommy, look, daddy's butt's on fire!

Mrs. Hughs: Oh, dear.

_Wife and daughter watch as their husband and father runs around in grand circles trying to put the fire out_

Rose: Well, sing.

Women: YEAH, MUSTANG, SING!

Mustang: _Looks at the numerous women with vehement smiles on faces; thinks about getting disqualified_ I...

Hawkeye: Colonel!

Mustang: Huh?

Hawkeye: ... If you sing this song, I'll kiss you.

Havoc: Whoa, she must really want him to make a fool of himself.

Hughs: _Still trying to put the fire out_

Mustang: _Becomes very motivated_ It's a deal! _Sings the Barbie Girl song with a SMILE_ I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD-

Audience: _Cracks up with laughter_

Dante: ... _Giggle_ Th-tha-that was-_giggle_- a very-_giggle_... _GUFFAWS __Points at judges_

Sacha: _Rates 9.3/10 before he becomes consumed in laughter_ ... The song was very befitting of you, Roy...

Teacher: HA, HA, HA, HA! _Laughs some more_ ... _Wipes tears_ Ah... that was good... all he needs now is the blond hair, the pink dress and a homo to call a boyfriend. I think Envy will do.

Audience: **ROFL!**

Teacher: _Rates 9/10_

Pride: Colonel Mustang, that was the gayest performance I've ever seen in my life. Even Ricky Martin's straighter than that. _Rates 9/10_ Still, it was a good laugh!

Hughs: _Still running aruond in circles in an attempt to put the damn flames out_

Alicia: ... Uh, Mommy, I think now would be a good time to help Daddy put that fire on his butt out.

Mrs. Hughs: ... I think you're right dear. _Whips out fire extinguisher and, with amazing precision, puts out the fire_

Alicia: Nice shot, Mommy!

Hughs: Thanks for putting the fire on my ass out, Honey!

Mrs. Hughs: _Unleashes the fire extinguisher on Hughs again_

Hughs: _Foaming at mouth_ ... Why, Honey?

Mrs. Hughs: You know I don't approve of you cursing in front of Alicia.

Hughs: _Bows head down in shame_ I'm so sorry Honey. I'm embarrassed. _Rates 9.5/10_ But not nearly as embarrassed as Roy probably feels right about now! Lol!

Mustang: HUGHS!

Audience: Nice one, Hughs! LOL!

Envy: ... I love that song! _Rates 10/10_

Lyh: I had a feeling he'd say that... we should get CSI to investigate his sexuality.

Lust: Maybe in another fan-fic...

Dante: _Is finally done laughing_ Well now, those were probably the highest ratings you've gotten yet. But, regardless of the ratings, you will be judged based on the audience's vote. From this round on wards, so that your brains don't explode from effort, we will be eliminating one contestant at a time in a slow, excurciating fashion. To vote off Mustang, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message BARBIE DUDE.

Mustang: Now that my humiliation's done, how about that kiss, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye: _Pulls out gun and aims_ I don't think so, Colonel.

Mustang: _Stops dead in his tracks_ But, you made a deal!

Hawkeye: No I didn't. My fingers were crossed. Now back off.

Mustang: _Walks off stage in tears_

Dante: Next is Alphonse.

Audience: HELL YES!

Dante: And the judge I randomly select to randomly select an audience member is- _Pulls name out of baggy_ - Izumi.

Teacher: ... _Eyes wander across the audience_ ... You. The one with those god awful glasses...

Sheska: Me?

Teacher: Yes.

Rest of the audience: _Stares at Sheska jealously_

Sheska: Uh... aha! Al should sing "Still Waiting", by Sum 41!

Audience: YEAH!

Al: Ok! _Sings_

Audience: _ROARS_

Dante: Wonderful, Alphonse. Not bad at all. You may be one of the few alchemists I actually permit to be in Homunculus Idol... On with the judging!

Sacha: Excellent as usual, Alphonse. _Rates 10/10_

Audience: _CHEERS_

Teacher: GREAT! We know who inherited all the genes of actual talent in your family _Glaring at Ed's lifeless cold body in disgust Rates 10/10_

Audience: _CHEERS_

Pride: Good, Full Metal's brother... _Rates 10/10_

Hughs: Whoa, Al, that's three 10/10's in a row! Talk about smoking the competition! Rates 10/10 And now it's four in a row!

Audience: HELL YES!

Envy: ...

Audience: _Grabs the nearest throwable object to hurl at Envy_

Envy: I rate...

Audience: ...

Envy: ... That performance deserves...

Audience: _Aims_ ...

Envy: _Rates 10/10_

Audience: _Anime drop_ Huh...?

Envy: I did that just to see the look on your faces. Suckers! _Continues to gaze in mirror_

Audience: We'll let that slide this time...

Dante: It's a miracle. Straight 10/10's... but the final decision all rests in the hands of our uncapable audience and viewers. To vote off Alphonse, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message SOFT METAL.

Al: _Walks off stage_

Dante: Our next contestant is Hawkeye. And the judge I will-

Audience: _Mocking_ "Randomly select to randomly select a member of the audience..."

Dante: There will be no audience in the studio of HOMUNCULUS IDOL, I guarantee that! I select- _pulls name out of baggie_ - Hughs.

Hughs: Hm, how 'bout you, honey? _Points at Alicia_

Alicia: Yay! I want Hawkeye to sing "I'm in Heaven when you kiss me", by ATC!

Audience: AWW!

Hawkeye: Uh... ok... _Sings_

Audience: AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dante: That was... disgustingly sweet... lucky for you, I'm not a judge, else all you would have gotten for a rating is puke...

Sacha: Wonderful, Hawkeye. You put much emotion into it, which is exactly what this song needs. _Rates 10/10_

Teacher: ... I'll just ignore the song choice. Rates 9.3/10

Pride: Yay! ATC! Rates 10/10 But if only someone would request Ricky Martin...

Hughs: Since when has Alicia started listening to ATC?

Mrs. Hughs: After you died, dear.

Hughs: What!? I die, and you people just move on like-like, like I'm not there anymore!  
Mrs. Hughs: _Sweat drop_

Hughs: _Sob_

Alicia: Daddy, can we discuss this at your grave or something later?

Hughs: _Sniff_ Well... ok... I guess... if you say so, honey... _Rates 10/10_

Envy: I'm sure the only reason that song was good was because you sang it with me in mind, but, military gun-slingers just aren't my type. Maybe this'll make you feel better. _Rates 10/10_

Hawkeye: _Left speechless_ _Thinking: Was I just dissed by a highly suspectable cross-dressing bisexual? That's worse that what the Colonel does! I'll shoot him later! . . . _

Audience: . . .

Lyh: That's Envy for you...

Lust: Why can't he just say he liked the performance?

Lyh: Because he's gay like that.

Dante: Ok then. To vote off Hawkeye, call 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message CUPID NOW USES BULLETS.

Audience: _Giggles_

Hawkeye: _Ignores romance crack Walks off stage_

Dante: And now, our final performance of the night, shall be performed by G.R.

Audience: _CHEER_

Dante: And the judge I chose is- _picks name out of baggy_ - Pride.

Envy: _Points at a random audience member without looking_

_Turns out he pointed at Sloth_

Sloth: _Asleep_

Lyh: _Pokes Sloth_ Wake up, you lazy-assed secretary.

Sloth: Meh?

Lyh: You get to pick a song for Rockbell's granny to sing.

Sloth: Ah...

_Ten minutes later_

Dante: Ahem, we're running out of air-time here, Sloth!

Sloth: _Asleep with eyes open_ _Snores_

Lyh: _Slaps Sloth_ SLOTH!

Sloth: _Screams_ DAMMIT, BRADLEY, MY ASS STILL HURTS FROM THE LAST TIME! DON'T YOU HAVE A WIFE TO DO IT WITH!!?

Everyone: _Shocked_

Pride: _Turns deep red_

Lust: Sloth?!

Lyh: Damn, Pride, all this time I thought you were gay; but now, I realize you're just bi!

Pride's Wife: BRADLEY!!!!!

Pride's Kid: DADDY!!!!!

Pride: _Sweats nervously_

Wrath: Mommy... what do you do with Pride...?

Lyh: Adults when around children refer to it as physical intamacy.

Lust: But, for now, you can just call it, 'the NASTY'!

Lust and Lyh: ROFL!

Wrath: The nasty...?

Pride's Kid: You don't know what the nasty is? Damn, you're a dumbass.

Pride's Wife: Blows up THE NASTY, BRADLEY?

Pride: Now, now honey, I-I only tried, but she insisted she was married!

Pride's Wife: YOU WERE TRYING!

Pride: _Sobbing_ But, I never did anything!

Pride's Wife: BUT YOU TRIED YOU MOTHER F---ING BASTARD!

Pride: Honey, this really isn't a good time...

Dante: Dammit! Take is to divorce court or something! We're running out of air-time, here!

Pride's Wife: I'll stop... on one condition.

Pride: _Brightens_ Anything, my sweet!

Pride's Wife: ... I get 75 of the estate and 55 of whatever's in our bank account in the divorce.

Pride: _Face loses all complexion_ But- but-

Pride's soon to be ex-wife: _Glares him down_

Pride: _Whimpers_ Understood...

Dante: Sloth, your song choice is...?

Sloth: _Asleep Wakes up_ Wha...? Ah! I know the perfect song... it reminds me of the relationship Hohenheim and I had. Can you sing Bad Boy, by Cascada?

Sacha: I'm starting to question who deserves the title 'Lust'...

G.R.: At my age, I'd by somewhat embarrassed to sing that song, but I have a slut for a granddaughter, so what the hell? _Sings_

Audience: _CHEERS_

Dante: Coming... from... such an old lady... that was soooo wrong... but good voice, G.R., good voice... _points at judges_

Sacha: _Cough_ That was excellent, G.R. _Cough Rates 9.7/10_

Teacher: _Pukes_ ... Voice quality was good... but the song... Sloth, you whore... _Rates 9/10_

Pride: Hey, that song reminds me of you and me, Sloth!

Sloth: _Wakes from slumber and GLARES_

Pride's Wife: _GLARES_

Wrath: _GLARES_

Pride's Kid: Tee hee! The nasty!

Pride: Eeek! _Rates 10/10; avoids making eye contact with Sloth, Wife, Kid, and Wrath_

Hughs: Honestly, Sloth... of all songs... _sigh_ What would Ed or Al have thought if they heard that? But, good performance, G.R. _Rates 10/10_

Envy: You people are picking all my favorite songs today! _Rates 10/10_

Lyh: Unsexy!

Envy: _Sob_

Dante: _Clears throat_ Thank you, G.R. And thank you, Sloth, for telling everyone about your damn se- intamacy issues! Seriously, you make Lust seem like a virgin...

Wrath: ... A virgin? Like, the olives?

Everyone: _ANIME DROP_

Lyh: You'll learn in Health Class, child.

Wrath: ...?

Dante: ANY WAY- To vote off G.R., call at 1-800-ALCHEMIST or text message BAD GRANNY.

G.R.: _Walks off stage_

Dante: And that, concludes today's rather dramatic episode of ALCHEMIST IDOL. Bring your lazy asses back here whenever the author updates for ROUND 4, which is our JUDGE'S CHOICE SPECIAL. In other words, the only judge here that didn't get to pick an audience member today, will be picking songs of their choice for our contestants to sing. In our dreadful case, that judge is-

Everyone: _In horror_ ENVY!

Dante: Indeed.

Envy: _Still looking in mirror_ Hm?

Dante: I need to take this thing over fast...

Sacha: _Hitting head on desk_

Teacher: Why, oh why...?

Pride: _Poking Envy_ Make them sing Ricky Martin as a dedication to me! I'll probably die in divorce court today... _Sobs_ I'm too young to die!

Pride's Wife: And WAY too old to be listening to Ricky Martin.

Pride's Kid: Oh, hell yeah.

Hughs: _To Roy_ So, Roy, planning to get your BARBIE DREAM GIRL HOUSE today?

Mustang: Damn, you, Hughs!

Envy: _Gazing ever deeply in mirror_

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, sorry about the crappiness and the LONG delay on the updates. School takes it's toll everyday. . . . If anyone knows the names of Pride's wife and his kid, will they be as so kind as to tell me?

Thanks,

MageofAutum


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